What an Embarrassment

I moved back to my old home country on Sunday, and I had spent many hours before leaving Hong Kong finding potential ballet classes for myself back in lil old town. I had found none in the village where I will spend a few more weeks, one in the little town close to it, and some in “little big city”.

Yesterday, I tried one lesson in town. It was a “Advanced II-III” class, and the teacher had told me on the phone that I could come and try it. It was great to finally wear my ballet slippers and tights again, but I tell you, I was totally embarrassed. It started at the barre where I got into a very bad spot and couldn’t watch the other girls doing the exercises, and the teacher only showed them marginally. And thus it continued… I don’t want to go into too much detail, but I felt during 80 out of 90 minutes that I would love to just sink into the floor – open the ground and let me in, please.

It also felt pretty frustrating, because I didn’t even succeed to do a row of pique turns, which I normally can do. So it felt like I had forgotten everything I had ever learned, and being more awkward and shy than ever. Now, you see, there are people who would just be brave and strong and say that it was the totally wrong fit of class and dancer, and take it as a good lesson. I am trying to do this, but I am also thinking that I suck, that I made the teacher angry, and that I waisted everyone else’s time, and I see myself as a burden. Too much of that negative thinking, although some of it is probably correct. But how much time do you spend thinking about someone who once was in the same class with you- one single time?

I missed my classes in Hong Kong more than ever yesterday night, and driving back home on the train crying, I felt like going back there immediately. The reverse culture shock and catastrophal ballet class totally got to me: tiny little towns, people speaking their dialects, shops closed at 7 pm, rainy weather, the same old people who are so happy with their tiny little lives spent in the same village for 40 years, and this whole sense of wealth and superiority.